I feel discouraged and heavy of heart today. I haven’t had the energy to get out and walk the last two days. Grieving for Dennis, for the victims of Orlando and their families, now for a friend whose dear dog companion died. Somehow all of these deaths have combined with a time of feeling vulnerable in my training for the journey. At this moment I feel overwhelmed with it all. Also went to my chiropractor this morning for my biweekly adjustment feeling knee issues cropping up again. In his advice I heard that in trying to protect my foot arch and ankle with stiff boots I’m probably stressing my knees and hips. I feel this sense of “I can’t win for losing” or some such thing. What does that really mean anyway? In protecting one issue I create another in this aging body.
Today I wonder what in the world am I doing? Why am I planning to walk 265 miles alone carrying probably 45 pounds? Why do I want to put myself through the many thousands of feet of up and down that frankly scares me? Why do I want to face being cold, tired, hungry, alone – all the things that I know will show up on this trek? I don’t really know, I just know that I feel called to it. A line from the Rumi phrase that I worked with last week comes to mind, “a voice comes to your soul saying ‘Lift your foot, cross over'”. There just is a voice saying to me “do this” and it does come from my soul. I don’t know why now perhaps I will know later.
So I don’t want to go out and do the 5 miles with my weighted pack that I planned on today, I just want to curl up here in my recliner at home and watch the tide come and go. But I’m going to get up now and go out and do as much of it as I can.
I made it the whole 5 miles with 42 pounds in my pack. Feels good to have done it though I am tired, my body feels well used. Above is the beauty of the woods that I enjoyed so as I walked. It all helped me to rise beyond the sense of discouragement to knowing that there is still time to prepare and in the end I will be as ready as I need to be. I trust that Spirit will guide me as I continue to prepare and that all will be well.